How to move on from a breakup?
Will the pain ever stop?
It’s said that almost 86% of the entire human population doesn’t entirely move on from a loss. Shocking right?
And by failing to do so, they let the scar affect them mentally and emotionally for the rest of their life!
If you are one of those people out there who have been cut, stabbed and stomped in the heart several times and is finally left like an unwanted soul, you would understand when I say that “ Broken hearts hurt more than anything in this world”
You are here because you are struggling to move on or you are done being sad and depressed and want to walk away from your previous life. Here's the good news! It can be done and here's a complete guide!
Why letting go is so hard?
What does moving on really mean?
Grief : The right way to process your feelings
Forgiveness : The last step to freedom
Power of a breakup
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Chapter 1 : Why letting go is so hard?
How to move on from someone?
There’s a lot of people out there who find it “very hard to move on from a break up”.
So, here’s the thing about us. Whenever you remember your ex, you go that version of her that’s very sweet and kind and gives you endless love and makes you feel wanted . Right? You remember those long dates ,sweet talks, cute hugs, kisses, romantic gestures and the all mid night romance that just filled up your hearts and satisfied your in every way possible. I agree, that’s the best feeling in the world and you feel like floating and you give in to it completely . You felt like nothing else in life matters and that he/she being with you is “all” you want in life. You loved them for the person you were when you were with them. You believed that they sing a song only you can hear.
Here's what's happening
We are struck up with the idea of what could have been
So, What do we do?
When such breakups happen, one of the partners tend to become the victim and if you are reading this, you are probably the victim cause you just cannot move on. “ You are struck up with the idea of ‘what could have been“
Because if you hadn’t broken up, that “what could have been” future is filled with love and happiness and everything you must have dream’t of. And having it all and losing it all at once hurts and we take way too much time to accept it.
How to get past this?
Some of us out there are just in love with love
You remember all the good times. You remember how much love she/he was capable of giving you. You remember how much they needed you. You remember how you felt when you were hugging them. You remember how it felt to hold their arms. You remember how it felt to sleep with them and wake up to them every single day. You remember how you felt when they kissed you…..You remember how they made you feel. You had a sense of belonging and you knew you would never be alone in this world anymore.
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO REALIZE SOMETHING:
If you realize something, all those feelings you remember - it’s just love. You miss their love. If you observe carefully, you just miss “love”. And they were capable of giving you that and now they are not because they couldn’t.
Now you might be wondering: “ Did I love the other person, or Did I just love the love she was giving me?”
There's never a easy way to answer that question but what I am getting at is "You'll find that love that you miss so badly!"
I CAN TELL YOU THIS
“Love is a blessing that not everyone in this world gets”
And it’ts okay to feel bad when you lose it
But remember, there’s billions of people out there. Ignoring the narcissistic, arrogant, self consumed, gold digging, lust seeking,immature people, you still have millions of beautiful souls out there living their lives, just like you are, waiting for someone to walk into their lives and show them how beautiful their life can be.It’s true that love failure can leave a scar in us forever. It might be hard to trust another.
“ Faith is the last thing ever lost”
Make sure you never lose faith in love. That’s when you lose in life. Losing faith and regretting life is the worst it can possibly get.
“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams”
Here’s an Idea: Rather than regretting what you had and felt, try to embrace it. Embrace the experience. Embrace everything you felt. Just embrace what you had and move on..
"A year from now you would have wished you started today"
So move on. Go into the world and live your life. Your life is too precious to waste it mourning and crying. Be the example for hope and love.
Chapter 2: What does moving on really mean?
Or is it just a myth?
Sometimes in the process of moving on, we get lost. We lose our-self. We get struck and end up questioning "Is moving on just a myth?! Why does the pain never stop? What does moving on even mean?
When I was dumped by the love of my life, I pretty much lost hope in everything. I didn't have motivation to do anything and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I didn't have any faith that I would find love again and I was pretty much waiting for her to come running back to me. This mindset comes and goes but this is exactly what kept me from moving on.
So that's why I write this chapter : I want you to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel and this is what the light looks like
1) TRULY ACCEPTING THE FACT THAT THE RELATIONSHIP HAS ENDED:
So how do you accept the fact that someone you cared so much for isn’t around anymore?
“Truly accepting” as in losing all hope of them coming back to us.This is the hardest part. Especially if you are a person like me, if you are a dreamer, you are full of faith and hope and secretly at the back of your mind, you are waiting for them to come running back to you so you can live your hypothetical fantasy.
Letting go of the idea of what could have been. Stop fighting for a future with them that “is never ever going to happen” because the more you fight for them, the more you losing yourself.
“Nothing is worth losing yourself over”
NOTE: Achieving this might take some time depending on the person. If you are hurt badly, you would have to go through pain and suffering and the whole grieving process to get here. Putting on a fake smile and pretending to the world that everything is perfect might just prolong this process.
2) YOU CAN LIVE HAPPILY WITHOUT CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT THEM OR YOUR RELATIONSHIP
This doesn’t mean that you have to control your thoughts and pretend that you have moved on. This is a state that you get to, when you have gone through grief. When you have finally accepted the fact that the relationship is no more.
When you get here, you would have stopped stalking them. You would have stopped dreaming about them. You would stop calling or texting them. This is like an after effect of accepting that things have ended.
This is like “Flushing them out of your system”
NOTE : This doesn’t mean forgetting. Trying to forget leads to denial which would just prolong the process of moving on. Which brings us to the next point.
3) EMBRACING WHAT YOU HAD:
I can say for sure that you have moved on if you can look at the old pictures and reminisce on the fond memory rather than feeling sad or angry or breaking down.
In this stage, you’ll actually be happy for them if they are in a great relationship. You will not want to throw the ring into the ocean nor would you cry looking at a special gift they gave you. You would smile and think of the fond memories. You will just embrace what you had without any negative emotions like anger, sadness or frustration.
NOTE: Try think of a special moment that you spent with your ex. Is there a pain in your heart? Does that memory scare you? Do you feel uncomfortable even thinking about it? Is there tears in your eyes? It’s alright. There is no hurry! It takes years for some people. One day, you’ll get there.
4) FORGIVING THEM FOR BREAKING YOUR HEART
Now if you find it hard to embrace what you had, it’s probably because you have a lot of negative feelings bottled up towards them. And trust me, this is one of the biggest reasons people don’t move on.
We'll read about forgiveness in the later chapter of this guide!
5) LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF:
If you go to therapy, they would tell you this one thing :
“You do not need your partner to feel good about yourself – to love yourself”
And it is true that when we are in an emotionally invested relationship,some of us might forget how to live alone and love ourself when they are not around. You are all that you need to be happy in this world. Learn to be alone. Learn to be happy in this world without a need for anyone to fix you.
NW LET'S SEE WHAT MOVING ON ISN'T
1) FORGETTING ISN'T MOVING ON:
A lot of people think that moving on is forgetting all that happened and being able to walk ahead without being hooked to the past memories.But the fact is :
“You cannot forget but you can accept”
Have you ever tried to forget something traumatic? Does it even work? And for those people who said “yes”, you must have gotten pretty good at denial?
2) PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY ISN'T MOVING ON
Pretending to be happy to make our sorrows disappear when you are actually drowning inside.
” Denial doesn’t heal the scar”
So yeah, healing. Going through grief? Is that what moving on is?
” Moving on is going through the grief process and truly accepting the fact that you have actually lost that person/dream”
3) JUMPING INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP:
Alot of people immediately jump into another relationship after their breakup. This give you an illusion of moving on to the people around you and you feel good cause your new partner treats you better than your ex but this doesn’t help you to move on. If anything, you will just delay the grief process and you do not heal the scar.
And trust me, bottled up feelings will come back to bite us.
HERE'S MY ADVICE FOR YOU
"Nothing is worth losing yourself over"
Also remember " Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
Chapter 3 : Grief - The right way to process your feelings
May I ask you something?
Do you ever lie to yourself?
Do you ever shut your heart out so you can have better control?
Are you sensitive to your feelings? Do you listen to your heart?
Statistics says that "Everyone in this world lives in denial about something in their life"
Feeding false belief's to our minds in an desperate attempt to cover up the truth of the situation would end up scarring you for the rest of your life. The girl I loved had to leave me because she had a scar from a previous relationship that killed "us". The "us" that meant everything in the world to me.
When someone breaks your heart
Put the pieces back together before you lose them.
It might be painful. It might take a long time, but fix it.. Become whole. Don't lose yourself.
For awhile, I walked down a path of hate and heartlessness. I was cold and completely insensitive. I was mad at her and the world. I lost faith in everything and became something I wasn't. I regret it. I pulled myself back together. And here I am. Trust me, " Regret is the worst disease in this world"
Now, let's get into the stages of grief :
Grief Stage 1 : Upset
IT'S TIME FOR SOME REALIZATION
" The strongest desire of mankind is to feel good"
If you have observed, everything we do, is about feeling good. Family, love, career, friends , money, charity, kindness.. everything.
But when it comes to feeling bad, we run the other way. Most people do everything they can to avoid feeling bad. And when it comes to break-up, people do everything they can to avoid being upset or feeling the pain. And they usually have a good excuse for that as well!
" I have my exams coming up - I can't feel bad. I can't let this affect my job. I can't let this kill my spark". But do you realize that by suppressing these feelings will affect your happiness for years to come? Also it would affect your future relationships and it'll affect who you are as a person.
" Don't run away from the pain"
You will feel bad. You got stabbed right in your soft spot. You opened yourself up to her/him and they cut you deep. Face that fact!
So feel it all. Let it hit you. That's the only way past this. Let it run it's course.
I'll tell you a personal story of how I overcame this:
When I was at this stage, I was very weak and vulnerable. Every single reminder of her hurt me badly . And there's this one song that we used to listen to together during our most romantic moments. " The golden times of first love as I call it".
There's a huge chance for you to try and fix things with them. If you think the relationship isn't toxic, give it a shot ( after one month). It might add to the pain but pain is good in grief.
Sometimes you need to go back to them to realize a painful lesson : They don't love you anymore. This is the closure you needed.
So I kept listening to those songs after she left me. It hurt. It got numb, it hurt again and the cycle repeated. And at some point , I actually started loving the pain that it caused. I got addicted to the pain "love caused"
I know how weird that sounds but the point is, I didn't run away from it. I didn't hide from my feelings.
And trust me, I say it with immense satisfaction, it gets better! And now I listen to the same song with someone else. Someone who cares.
Grief Stage 2 : Poison Stage
This is where we stop blaming them and start pointing the knife at our-self.
( Some people (me) would easily move past this step and for others this is "the emotional tsunami")
After awhile of going through pain and numbness in your hearts, the brain gets messed up now. You start doubting and questioning a lot of things about yourself and this world.
You might blame yourself for all the things that went wrong. " I am not lovable. I am not interesting. I am not good looking. I am not worthy of anyone. I am so dumb and naive." Insecurities from the past gets all stirred up and we become a mess.
So how do you get out of this?
ASK YOURSELF : WHAT DO YOU REALLY NEED TO FEEL SIGNIFICANT AND VALUED?
This isn't about an apology or an explanation. This is about you. What do you need. Go back to the person you were before you met them. What made you feel good? What gave you a sense of purpose and direction. What made you feel valued and significant?
This isn't about an apology or an explanation. This is about you. What do you need. Go back to the person you were before you met them. What made you feel good? What gave you a sense of purpose and direction. What made you feel valued and significant?
Grief Stage 3 : Cycle of anger and love
When you reach this stage, you have walked past the vulnerable stages of grief! . But this is where a lot of people get struck at - including me
So you were let down by the person you love. You feel like they didn't value you or respect your love. You feel like they took you for granted and you didn't do anything to deserve that! So you feel angry. Even intense anger at times.
You blame them and burn their things. The photos and videos. The memories makes you angry. Even the thought of them and their life would make you want to punch a wall. (Some impulsive people do it right away before processing everything and that's normal as well)
But since there's a distance between you two, you start missing them. Their absence would be felt and it will hurt.
Now finishing this stage is what people have difficulty with:
" Grieving is like building a tombstone to every aspect of the broken relationship"
What does this mean?
Every couple has a dream in their head. They might not say it out loud but it's still there. Getting married and getting a house together. Having children together. Travelling around the world together being all romantic and fulfilled. Some even dream.about growing old and dying together.
And when it all ends : the dreams and hopes of a good future die with it. It hurts to think about it and our sense of identity itself changes. The pain might have gone, but unless you build a tombstone to this "dream with them" : you'll always be angry at them.
This is actually "Truly accepting the fact that the relationship has ended" and "Building a tombstone around all the faith and hope you have ever had in them"
It'll take time and you'll have your doubts. But you will get through it.❤️
For a very long time, I couldn't truly accept the fact that we were done. That everything I experienced and felt is no more and that the dreams isn't going to come alive. It felt impossible for me to accept that even after months. I guess I had a little faith that things will fix itself but that is stopping me from moving on from a toxic relationship.
So I went to her and asked her for a favor. I told her about how I still had faith and that I needed her to tell me that she doesn't love me and there's no chance of us working now or ever.
And it worked. She gave a small empty explanation and (didn't apologize) told me that there's no point in being together.
It hurt, but it worked. Listening to those words coming from her mouth. That instant, she put a bullet in my faith and that helped me move on.
Chapter 4: Forgiveness : The last step to freedom
Take off the hook
Alot of us have trouble letting go of anger even when it's with people we barely know and when it comes to the people we love, we develop a deep sense of betrayal . Some of us make them "a enemy figure of some sort" and this is just another way you are hurting yourself by tying yourself up with the demons of your past.
So, how can one let go? How do I forgive? What does it even mean? Can I ever look them in the eye and not feel angry or betrayed? You'll get all your answer's here.
Letting go of anger:
Before we start, I want you to know something : Forgiveness doesn’t happen instantly. Forgiveness is not about healing. Forgiving someone isn’t about escaping the pain. And it won’t happen overnight. You reading this right now, gives you a compass on how to walk down this road of forgiveness.
QUESTION : HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I ASK YOU TO FORGIVE THE PERSON FOR THE THINGS THEY HAVE DONE?
You might be saying, ” But no! They do not deserve forgiveness. They need to rot in hell!”
Let me ask you something : Why do you want to live the rest of your life being shocked by the way people behave?
I know you might be thinking, “ Why did this have to happen to me? “. You can’t believe your wife left you? Did u see it coming? Then believe it! You can’t believe someone broke your trust? Better believe it, humans are not trustworthy!
I know that their behavior is “not okay” but you need to know that people can be that way. Its time to understand that life isn’t fair and it’s going to be rough and hard. We need to learn to align our expectations with the reality that life will let us down at times.
LESSON 1 : DON'T BE SHOCKED BY PEOPLE'S BEHAVIOR
QUESTION: DO YOU REALLY NEED ANGER TO FIGHT INJUSTICE?
Now understand that anger is something that I feel so very often. I don’t get upset, I get angry and so when people ask me, do you really need to get angry? I get more angry. Right?
We are humans and we feel anger. Its alright to feel anger. But only on a short term. On a long term, anger affects judgement. Anger makes us take bad decisions and we might regret it.
Because when we are angry, that emotion gives you intentions that you won’t have when you are YOU. So, you get back on the cycle of hurt and you hurt someone. Which would in turn hurt you in a way of regret. It is an endless cycle So, why don’t you break the wheel?
LESSON 2 : ANGER MAKES US TAKE BAD DECISIONS WHICH WOULD IN TURN HURT US
QUESTION : DOES ANGER REALLY LEAD TO GOOD ACTION?
Now when I say “good actions” : I mean actions that lead to the solution of that problem / conflict / Injustice.
Anger actually stops us from taking those valuable actions and instead we just act out just to feel good about ourself.
LESSON 3 : ANGER STOPS US FROM TAKING VALUABLE ACTIONS
Summary : Holding on to anger can kill us.
Let’s say you are angry at your ex / wife. If you don’t find a way to let go of it, it will find a way to come in between your future relationships and you would never have the happy ending that you wanted.
If you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.
Now answer this question : Do you have any bottled up feelings from the past conflicts?
If you have, it’s time that you start healing yourself.
So, What should I do to forgive?
In this article I just wrote endlessly about how anger will destroy our lives. I told you why anger is bad for you. But is acknowledging the fact enough of let go of that anger? Isn’t that why you came here in the first place?
You so badly want to know “ What you should do to forgive?”
The more important thing to ask yourself is “Why you should forgive?”
WHY YOU SHOULD FORGIVE?
Forgiveness is not a shortcut to the grieving process. Forgiveness is not healing.
“I KNOW WHAT YOU DID. IT’S NOT OKAY. AND I RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE MORE THAN THAT. I DON’T WANT TO BE ANGRY AT YOU. I CAN HEAL MYSELF AND I DON’T NEED ANYTHING FROM YOU”
Acknowledging the damage that they did to us and telling them that they do not owe us anything, that is the meaning of truly letting go.
Because some of you want that person to apologize to you. Some of you want an explanation from that person. And we get angry when we do not get those things from them. It is injustice and you become the victim.
But when you come to a point that you tell them “ I know what you did and it is not okay. You are more than that and I don’t need anything from you” : That is forgiveness.
Chapter 5 : The power of breakup
Harness the emotional energy
"Nothing hurts more than a broken heart" they say. And when you have the power to put the pieces back together, you become a whole another human being. You are not the person that you used to be before.
If anything, this setback has made you stronger. There's so much power in dreams and failure and we just witnessed them both.
I would like to show you the real power of a break-up, so stick till the end!
I want you to realize something
"Break-up is the best thing that has happened to you!"
STAGE 1: END OF DOPAMINE RUSH
Just like when you eat a bar of chocolate or when you are just done with an exercise, you will have a dopamine rush that would push you to feel like you can conquer the world. It'll make you feel very good about yourself.
And if you have been in love, the true genuine kind, you would know it is an endless supply of dopamine that just floods your brain everytime you talk with your partner. The romance, the promises and the dreams that your drew together. It just opens up your heart and you feel so very happy and comfortable that you do not need anything else in this world.
And then it stops abruptly. Forever. Your heart breaks and you find it very hard to accept the reality of your situation because you feel like there’s a knife that’s struck deep in your heart and the bleeding doesn’t stop. This is what infinite pain feels like. Right?
You know what I call this?
I call this “infinite pain” a jackpot.
STAGE 2 :ENDLESS EMOTIONAL ENERGY:
Now, what you have is a lot of beautiful memories and a bleeding heart. And trust me, the bleeding would take a very long time to stop. You can feel sad and depressed and grieve as it is the healthy way to process the loss of a human being but you can also channel this energy.
Statistics say that a huge amount of artists and musicians are born out of a breakup. Bodybuilders to actors to successful businessmen are just the effect of a breakup.
“ God hid a gift inside a man's heart and it can only be found when the heart breaks”
"Can you imagine the Taj Mahal being built because Shah Jagan was just motivated to do so? Without a heart break to fuel his emotional energy?"
Something that took 20 years and a billion dollars to build?
The heartbreak has a power that nothing else in this world has. Wonders happen when you learn to channel the emotional energy inside you!
NOTE : Remember, you are doing this for you. Not for revenge or for pride. You channel this energy to become or do something that your heart truly desires. Nothing else. Becoming someone you aren’t just defeats the purpose of life. Be authentic. Be you.
STAGE 3 : YOU GROW
You know they say “ Get comfortable with being uncomfortable”
You will learn to master the skill the moment you have accepted that the relationship has ended. Acceptance is a big step towards moving on and when you have done that, it means you are okay with leading a life without a person that meant everything to you.
“Out of extreme pain and suffering, you grow”
There is no other way, is there?
"When you win something, you party. When you lose something,you ponder. And growth comes from pondering"
STAGE 4: YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE:
Isn't this right? After having lost "everything that mattered to you", you really do not have anything left to lose! Right?
You are on the edge of a cliff, you can either fall, or you can fly!
You get to defeat fear. The fear of being rejected or the fear of failure . You are not a prisoner to it anymore.
This is true freedom. With this , you take risks that you would have never thought of taking before. With this, you do things that would have made you uncomfortable before.
"After being liberated from fear, you will become the best version of yourself!"
STAGE 5 : YOU'LL LISTEN TO YOUR HEART:
I have seen loads and loads of people walking a path they don't want to. Moving in a direction because they will look good to others but deep down, the only thing they want is something else.
This is the downside to social life. Human beings wants to fit in, to an extent that they would stop listening to their hearts.You, my friend, know how important your heart is. Listen to it. Be true to it.
No amount of money and wealth can give that dopamine rush that your heart is capable of giving you.
Isn't that what happiness is all about? 🙂