While we try our best to feel good about our life and feel satisfied, most often end up getting hurt in one way or another and there seems to be no way around it. There seem to be no way around disappointment and pain.
So, how do we stop the pain? How to stop feeling bad?
WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL PAIN?
A lot of things can make a person feel bad.
There are two kinds of pain :
Clean Pain : The pain that you feel when you lose a loved one. That’s direct and it’s called clean pain. Clean pain needs to be grieved.
Dirty Pain : The pain that you feel cause of the thoughts that arise because of the event of losing a loved one. That is called a dirty pain.
“Maybe he left me because I wasn't good enough! Maybe I am a bad person. Maybe I am meant to be alone”
These thoughts can bring in a great deal of unhappiness and pain. The only way to get through it, is to disbelieve. You need to stop taking those thoughts seriously and say “ No”.
I have separated the answers to good measures and escape measures. Escape measures are just a temporary relief and getting addicted to them might lower the quality of our life.
The only way out of grief is through it.
The important fact about grieving is that : The intense emotions that we feel at times, anger , sadness and other stuff, they only last for 90 seconds if we let it flow and stop resisting it.
It would be rough and it would be different for different people because the emotions are pretty unpredictable. We might feel better for awhile and out of nowhere, the pain would come. I have been through this a lot of times and trust me I know how you feel.So let yourself feel it all. Only then you can truly let go.
Remember these points
Acceptance is the key to moving on.
Do not deny what’s in front of us. I know that acceptance might take a long period of time as losing someone or something valuable would disrupt our sense of identity. But eventually, one needs to accept the reality of the situation.
We need to start seeing things for the way they actually are.
What do I mean by this? Let’s say that you had just been through a break up and it is extremely painful for you. You find it hard to accept the fact that he/she’s gone. This generally happens because we are struck in a reality where you two end up together and happy but the actual reality is he/she might have a character flaw or your relationship is actually toxic.
Let go of the need for something to fulfil you.
People say that when things go the way they expected, they would feel good about themselves and they feel happy. But if you are here, something or someone didn’t live up to your expectations or something worse happened out of the blue and you feel horrible.
So how does one stop expecting?
Let go of the need for something to fulfill you.
When you are good enough as you are. When you are happy with yourself and love yourself, you wouldn't want an external entity to come and give you pleasure and happiness.
Does it mean that we need to be socially detached and that you don’t need anybody?
No. This means that you do not need friends and relationships to fill the hole inside it. It means “Its okay when things don’t go your way”. Just cause your relationship died, doesn't mean you would end up alone. Its fine. It’s fine when things don’t go your way.
Thoughts are only as powerful as you want them to be
Now this can be very effective. Humans give too much power to thoughts. Thoughts come and go every single day and the fact is, we do not have to take them seriously, especially the ones that are negative.
I will write an entire article about this soon. Stay updated!
Cleaning out a wound is the first step to healing
And yes, cleaning out may lead to more pain but it is very necessary if you want to have a healthy state of mind.When we are feeling bad, we would just want to be alone cause everything might seem overwhelming and hard. It’s okay to feel that way. You might fear that some people would never understand us when we explain the situation or our friends might judge us for being pathetic.
If you do not have any good friends or family in your life, you need to go to therapy. Getting someone to listen to our sorrow by itself would help us half way through our healing process.
All the measures that’s written above is about fixing the problem and we choose these escape measure if and only if the emotions are too overwhelming to handle. And it’s okay to want to escape when we feel numb. We just should make sure that we iterate between escape measure and good measures until we fix the hole inside us.
USE THIS TIME TO BUILD YOURSELF
When we push ourselves and we stay busy doing something that matters to us, we don’t stay static. It is when we stay static that we keep holding on to the past. This is the first step to moving forward with our life.
Write down your personal, professional and social goals and start executing them one by one. There’s satisfaction in walking a path that you pave for yourself and going down this road will help you move past the negative feelings that causes you pain.
Note: Do not use this to “avoid pain” in our life. Grieving should not be avoiding using this. This should be used as a way to look past this pain and achieve our goals while we are at it.
When it's too overwhelming
This is what I did when I lost my first girlfriend. I was a teenager and i didnt know how to take the loss of someone close to my heart. And so I found myself a TV series and binge watched it as much as I can until the pain inside me did not last anymore.
But that was the problem, the pain came back later and I had to go through grief the proper way. It is only a temporary measure.
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO REALIZE SOMETHING:
Yes, breakup bodybuilder stories are not new. It is believed that we get to drain all our negative energy at the gym. And when we do that, we move forward from whatever that’s holding on to us. This will not happen in a day or a week but over a period of time, this might just be the solution that you are looking for.